The Sexless Marriage & Your Need for Intimacy

How long have you been living in a sexless marriage? It is estimated that around 20 million couples are currently in a relationship where sex is only accomplished ten times a year or less. That is the assumed definition of a marriage that is sexless and for most people who are living under those circumstances the relationship is in serious jeopardy. If not having sex is just fine by you, chances are your spouse feels very different and sees it as a serious issue to be dealt with.

Don't listen to anyone who tries to honestly assert that sex doesn't play an important part in a marriage. Those who live with a sexless marriage for any extended period of time often start having fantasies of being with other people and those fantasies may really be lived out if the problems causing the sexless marriage are not dealt with and overcome successfully.

While one person may not be too worried about the lack of sexual intimacy, the other is likely consumed with a wide range of emotions from anger and resentment to complete sadness and depression. Eventually, the relationship could open up to an affair or a divorce. The first step to fixing the problem before it goes that far is to determine the root cause for the lack of sexual intimacy.

If a sexless marriage is caused by a man's loss of sexual interest in his wife or a complete loss of sexual appetite in general, several factors could be in play:

* He is bored because his wife isn't playful enough or experimental in bed.
* He senses that his wife isn't enjoying their sexual encounters.
* He simply doesn't view his wife in a sexual manner for any number of reasons.
* Excessive weight gain has made his wife's body unattractive to him.
* Erectile dysfunction has set in.
* His intimate connection with someone else has replaced his intimate feelings for his wife.
* The entire relationship is boring to him.

When a woman is largely to blame for a sexless relationship any of the above listed factors could be in play, but there are some additional options from a female's point of view:

* She feels like all her husband wants from her is sex or he ignores her needs.
* Her husband is asking her to do more adventurous things she is not comfortable doing.
* Her husband's body has changed and she no longer finds him sexually attractive.
* Anger and other emotions have blocked her sexual feelings.
* Severe depression has set in.
* Orgasms do not come easily to her and she is frustrated or giving up.

There are a wide variety of other issues that could be at the heart of a sexless marriage, but for the most part that covers the problems with most couples. Now let's get to the question that everyone is asking: how do you overcome a marriage that is no longer sexually active?

The first step is to stop ignoring the issue or acting as if it isn't there. This is a very big problem that could lead to emotional separation that is extremely difficult to turn around, so make every effort to start discussing the issue and confronting it head on. It is important to realize that while woman are often more connected to their spouse through verbal communications of love, men connect with their spouse largely through sexual intimacy. Sex is how they show and feel love, so if you are living in a sexless marriage that connection of love has been cut off. Sex can be powerful and an incredible way for men to bond with and love their spouse, but when the sex is cut off they can easily drift away from the relationship.

When you start talking about the issues that have led up to a stop in the sexual relationship, it is important to discuss compromises and solutions rather than blaming one another. For instance, if you feel your spouse treats you like a piece of meat and ignores your sexual needs, you may need to open up and tell him what your needs are how you want to be treated. He can then make an active choice to do better.

If there have been some hurtful events in the marriage and one or both of you are holding onto bitter or angry feelings, then that will need to be resolved before you can completely overcome a sexless marriage. Those types of hurt feelings and anger will interfere with deep intimacy and will make exchanges feel less satisfying and genuine. If you need to seek counseling to deal with those issues, do it as quickly as possible.